Mental Fasting

Goals. Accomplishments. So much time spent trying to acquire the things I felt defined life. Nice car, nice house, good money, I made it!

Circumstances and my “environment” have typically fueled my desires and helped for me to shape my goals. Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of “breaking” or what I’d like to call, mental fasting. A lot has changed for me. I’ll explain the what and why shortly.

A friend of mine asked me recently “when it’s all said and done, can you live with it?” I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about or what he was getting at when he asked that to me. It wasn’t a question that followed a statement or comment. It was a random afternoon when I received that message. I decided to directly translate that message in a way I felt God wanted to serve it to me.

Said and done – the things I’ve said and did. I said I was going to be successful. I said I was going to buy a home. I said I was going to develop strong relationships that I can carry for the rest of my life. I thought I did all of these things. Why am I feeling unfulfilled? Have I spent so much time focused on what’s next? Afraid of something getting in the way of me obtaining those things? Have I spent so much time focusing on things that weren’t important to me, because I never took the time to really think about what was really important? I can’t live with that.

The “mental fasting” helped for me to acknowledge where I felt I spent too much of my time. My opinion is, for me, that buying a house and being successful monetarily does not bring me happiness (this is a recent observation). Does it remove stress? Of course. I don’t have to worry about having a place to live or how I’m going to pay my bills (I’m not removed from the fact that it’s an absolute luxury to be able to claim those things). But for me, it doesn’t matter how much money I have or what my house looks like anymore. My love for life comes simply from … love. I love to love. I love to be able to receive love and me being focused on other things really messed up my ability to display that. I used the luxuries of life to share with those I cared about, and to try and provide in spaces where I felt it would be appreciated. But the reality is – when you look into the face of love – no car or house or amount of money can fill a heart. It certainly hasn’t filled mine.

Thinking about all of this and allowing for perspective to transition into reality really broke me. It almost feels like putting an address in the gps, driving lengths of time to reach your destination, only to realize that you ended up at the wrong place. This isn’t removing my desire to continue to count my blessings – I’m extremely thankful for what God has provided me in life. But when I think back on activities I partook in as a child, teen, and young adult – and relationships I’ve had over the last 10-12 years – I just wanted to be loved. I just didn’t know how to separate my “circumstances” in life from what I truly wanted. I wanted to do more and be more so that I could provide for myself and my family. But when that took precedence over love – none of it mattered. This house doesn’t fit in a casket. The car isn’t even big enough to haul the things that make my happy.

How I feel is important. How you feel is important. When you share love – family, friends, partners, children – that becomes the priority. I couldn’t live life on earth alone. Being able to connect with people and love, share, and showcase that daily is the focus for me. I’m rerouting my GPS to the right address. The means God has provided me should only be a tool to fuel and emphasize the love I want to share. Money affords me the time. This house provides me the space to comfort and share. The car provides me the transportation to experience life with those I love. God, forgive me for misusing the things you’ve blessed me with. Fill my heart with the love I’m willing to share.